


If I Could Fly

by Ronizoni



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:49:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21856336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ronizoni/pseuds/Ronizoni
Summary: Buck knows he should tell the people closest to him that he's having a baby, but every time he thinks he's ready to bring it up in conversation, he can't. So he doesn't mention it, for months.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 17
Kudos: 558





	If I Could Fly

_**Now - Early June** _

The doctor gives Buck the news three months after the ladder truck crushed his leg. He’s pregnant. Buck looks ahead eyes hard, and heart pounding, his head starts to buzz. Buck is numb.

“You can’t tell anyone right?” Buck asks the doctor, it’s his orthopedic specialist, but due to the crush injury he’s had to come in for a routine blood tests to check his clotting factor, and for any starting infections. His voice comes out small and wobbly, but no one can know, not yet.

“No Mr. Buckley HIPPA and my oaths forbid me from giving out any patient information with out verbal or written consent.” The doctor tells him warmly, “Now due to this development I cannot clear you for anything more than light duty until after the birth if you so choose.” Buck’s head snaps up at the end of the statement, if he chooses. His choice. He _has_ a choice. He’s shuffled into an OBGYN office, mainly to make sure that with all the surgeries and medications he’s been on everything is going in the right direction. He leaves the office with a blurry ultrasound picture, and a heart thumping erratically in his chest. 

_**Then - July 2005** _

_Buck is six months into fourteen when he meets Bryson, and he’s all dark hair, light eyes, and deep olive skin. Buck is in love. They meet in the beginning of the summer, at basketball camp. Another way to keep Buck out of the house and from tormenting his parents with his endless energy really. Buck himself is all gangly limbs and feet that are too big for his body. He runs around like a puppy, springy and full of energy._

_Bryson is magnetic, drawing Buck to him with wide open smiles, and earnest eyes. They end up in the same dorm room, and on the same team. They grow so close, the counselors and other camp goers tease them for sharing a brain cell._

_Buck has known he is into guys for a couple years now, he still appreciates the female form and company, but he’s also not blind to the form of his male classmates either. Turns out Bryson isn’t so blind to Bucks form either._

_**Now - Mid July** _

Buck hides in his apartment, he’s not approved for regular duty, due to the pregnancy, not that Buck let his ortho or his OBGYN disclose that information, and because he has a blood clotting disorder he will have to give himself a shot to prevent a clot from forming in the umbilical cord. It runs in his family, he’s heard his mother over the years complaining about the bruising from the injections. 

He’s at thirteen weeks already, and he’s not even showing in the slightest, its best that way, easier to hide from everyone, his little secret. His tagalong. Bucks not even that upset about the extended light duty he’s been placed into, he has more regular hours, weekends off, and he gets to run other stations through their paces during drills. He just misses the rush of rescuing someone, knowing that he’s the reason they are going to get to live another day. 

_**Then - August 2005** _

_Bryson is very good at keeping Buck quiet when he needs to be. They’ve been in the same dorm for almost two months, and they’ve grown close in the way that only two teenagers can in such a short amount of time. Buck thinks he’s going to marry Bryson, he’s in love. Bryson likes to push Buck into his mattress and see how long it take to make Buck lose control just from him lazily kissing that spot just below his belly button, hand over Bucks mouth to keep him from alerting the other camp goers of their activities. (It usually only takes about five minutes.)_

_This time feels different, knowing that they are at the end of the summer camp, Bryson going back to upstate Pennsylvania, in a small town near Lake Erie, and they aren’t going to get to see each other again. They take it further than they ever had gone before. Buck leaves camp the next day, bruises on his hips, and a broken heart for the one that is definitely the one that got away._

_**Now - Late July** _

Eddie drops Christopher off, bright and early, he has a shift, and decides Buck is baby sitting. He lets himself into Bucks apartment, sets Christopher up in front of the TV, and then yanks the covers off of his best friend. They haven’t really spoken since the ceremony, not for lack of trying, just for lack of availability. 

“Alright Buck, up and at’em,” Eddie shouts, pulling Buck out of his slumber. He’s a little grumpy, and a little pale, he had been up most of the night with nausea related to his anti-coagulants, and he’s exhausted. 

“Go ‘way,” Buck grumbles into his pillow, mushing his face into it in an attempt to clear his head. He listens with half an ear as Eddie enlists his baby sitting services, he’s struck with a feeling of nausea and is trying not to move.

“Are you even listening to me Buck?” Eddie questions, Buck has moved to a sitting up position, and looks a little pale. Eddie chalks it up to him being cooped into an office more this summer and not being out on calls. 

“Yeah man, I got him, just go to work.” Buck croaks out he really wants Eddie out of his face so he can rush into the bathroom and throw up, he doesn’t want the questions that will be sure to follow. Questions that he’s not quite ready to answer yet. 

“You okay man? I can figure something else out if you’re not feeling good?” Eddie asks, kneeling in front of Buck, his eyes are earnest and show concern, but Buck just waves him off. 

“I’m good, just some funky chicken for dinner last night. Nothing some Zantac can’t cure.” He smiles, gently standing up, ignoring the sharp pain in his stomach, he knows its just some round ligament pain. His morning sickness had ended around nine weeks into his pregnancy, but unfortunately the Lovenox injections he’d had to start at beginning of his second trimester, only a couple days ago, makes him nauseated and a little dizzy. He already has a slight bruising on his lower abdomens at the injection sight starting, and he’s just got more too look forward to over the next twenty-six weeks. 

Eddie nods, not looking entirely convinced, but gives Buck the loft to get dressed, and heads down stairs to say good-bye to Christopher. Buck heads into his upstairs bathroom, and splashes water on his face, hating how awkward things have become between him and Eddie since the party they had thrown instating him as a full fledged firefighter. Buck understood though, Eddie was still grieving, and needed time to himself.

Buck pulls himself together, and pastes a bright smile on his face for Christopher, that kid was the embodiment of sunshine. They go to a small diner near the Bucks apartment, and Buck lets Chris order a waffle monstrosity that is sure to give him a sugar rush at some point in the day. He thinks about taking him to see a movie, then decides to take him to the pier, but takes him to a pop-up children’s science museum first. Christopher may have unlimited energy at his age, but Bucks is waining after his not so good night. He needs to slowly ease himself into a full activity packed day. 

Then the tsunami hits, while they are on the pier. 

_**Then - September 2005** _

_Buck has locked himself in a bathroom stall at a CVS pharmacy three towns over, he skipped school, and in a panic rode the bus as far out as the route went. His leg bouncing the entire time. He’s scared and nausea turns in his gut. He’d bought three different test brands, all boasting the most accurate results and a gallon of Arizona Iced Tea. Taking his purchases he gulps down so much of the tea it makes his stomach feel liquid, and achey._

_He carefully takes each test and lines them on the toilet paper dispenser, and waits clutching at his hair. He feels raw, scared and raw. All three tests show some version of a plus sign, smiley face, or lines indicating that he’s pregnant. He can feel the floor beneath him disappear, and his entire head feels like it’s been taken over by bees._

_He rides the bus back home, the half full carton of Arizona Iced Tea clutched in his arms._

_**Now - Mid September** _

Buck goes to both his last physical therapy appointment, and his Ultrasound appointment before he has to report to a building downtown, he has to do another practice drill, this time to evaluate the 118. 

His leg aches slightly after his PT, but it’s good, he’s back to full strength, and he can put the accident behind him. Now he’s waiting in the lobby of his OB, scrolling aimlessly through his instagram feed, liking pictures of Christopher that Eddie has posted, and a really cheesy picture of Maddie and Chim on their date from the weekend. He’s nervous, like he always is when he thinks about the baby, a lingering anxiety always follows him, and a dark cloud is always just above him. He still hasn’t told anyone that is not one of his doctors about his little tagalong, he can’t yet, the thought of mentioning the baby to anyone makes his throat close up, and he can’t breath. 

“Evan Buckley,” He hears a soft voice from across the room and winces, ducking his head he makes his way across the lobby. He knew that Karen and Hen were trying to get pregnant, and while he knew they use a specialist across town he’s always afraid he’s going to run into one of them here. 

“Let’s get your weight and vitals, and then we’ll get you into a room okay?” The nurse asks him gently, the entire office has noticed at this point that he’s anxious about all things relating to his pregnancy at this point. He cringes internally at kid gloves he’s going to be handled with over the next forty-five minutes. 

After taking all his measurements Buck is led into an exam room where he trades his shirt for a backwards hospital gown. He lays down and looks at his still flat stomach, at twenty weeks he was sure that he would be showing some at this point, but so far he’s only lost definition of his abs and that can be chalked up to months of not being on the job.

“Ready Buck?” The doctor asks knocking on the door, Buck makes a noise of affirmation, and the doctor walks in. They spend the first twenty minutes checking over Bucks vitals, listening to the baby’s heart beat, and looking at the injection sites that Buck has been alternating on his abdomen. Then it’s time to for the ultrasound tech to take over. The baby has grown, looks less like an alien, and They get a clear shot of it sucking on its foot. 

“Would you like to know the sex?” The tech asks, he’s taking screen shots with one hand and holding the wand with the other. 

“C-c-can I?” Buck asks, stammering a little, he’s not looking at the monitor directly, it’s a little painful for him, but he can see it out of the corner of his eye.

“Right here is where we can see that the baby is a female,” The tech smiles gently, and he points on the screen. Buck can feel pin pricks at the corner of his eyes and an gentle ache in his cheeks from smiling widely. A little girl. 

Buck leaves the doctors office, a little skip in his step, and wearing his fire inspector uniform. It’s going to be a good day. There are some minor hiccups throughout the drill, the 118 is late to the scene, and there is a large amount of people evacuating from the building. Nothing unusual happening until a man has a seizure from the flashing of the fire alarms and topples dozens of people down the stair case. 

It takes an additional hour for the scene to be cleared. Buck looks at this checklist and knows he’s going to have to smudge some of the numbers to keep them within a normal margin. 

“You know,” A slimy voice comes from beside him, “I think we’re going to have a lot to talk about.” Its a lawyer from an office in the building, and he looks like a snake. Hours later, after he stops by the 118 to get Bobby to sign off on the report. He collapses in his bad, feeling slight guilt about lying to Bobby and Athena about why he’s on blood thinners.

_**Then - October 2005** _

_Buck is ushered into the car by his dad, its cold and frosty already, a little early in the season, but not too unusual. He can see his breath making fog as he walks down the driveway. His mom is in the doorway, a mug of coffee in her hands, and she still isn’t making eye contact with him. Maddie is thankfully off finishing her masters, has been out of the house since Buck was eight really. She doesn’t know what is about to happen, and Buck resolves that she never will._

_He told his parents two weeks ago, it was during dinner. He had been quiet all week according to his mom, barely saying a word, and Buck sat still looking at his plate eyes burning, fork clutched in his hand._

_“I’m pregnant.” He whispered, not looking up, a tear dropping from his eye, he watched it splat on his plate. His dad slapped his hands on the table, his mother gasped and dropped her fork, mashed potatoes splattering across the table. No one had spoken a word after, and Buck lost his appetite._

_Now he’s in the car with his dad, the radio is on low, his dad looks straight ahead, eyes hard and he looks smaller than Buck can ever remember seeing him. They arrive at a clinic in New York three hours later, its small but clean. Buck can feel himself tremble, and each breath feels like a sob coming out, but he manages to fill out the forms his dad hands him._

_The procedure itself is short, he doesn’t remember most of it, even on the car ride home. He just feels empty as he clutches the strip of blurry ultrasound pictures a kind faced nurse handed to him, along with a box of tissues._

_His parents move on like life is normal, like they hadn’t just fundamentally ruined their youngest child, and somehow Buck manages to move on over the next few weeks as well._

_**Now - Mid November** _

Buck is fresh from his latest OB appointment, he’s at the start of his third trimester, and is just starting to look like he maybe over ate at his last meal. He expressed his concern to his doctor, but she had waved him off. 

“Buck,” She had said smiling at him, “You are over six feet tall, have a wider frame, and are in very good shape, of course you aren’t showing, your little girl has plenty of space to grow already, she doesn’t need to grow out at this point. You may get a smaller bump in the last few weeks, but you aren’t going to get very big.” His abs are apparently tight enough to keep himself from showing alone.

With a sigh Buck picks up his phone, he’s in the front of his new jeep, he clicks through his contacts and scrolls down until he finds the person he’s looking for, takes a deep breath, and hits call.

“Hello?” The deep voice answers after a few rings, he sounds out of breath, but alert.

“Can you meet me at the diner across from the Grocery store we like?” Buck blurts out, he sounds breathy, he’s nervous, and his hands are shaking. “Now preferably.” Buck answers the question on auto pilot. He gets to the diner half and hour later, and spots his lunch partner at a booth in the back. 

“Hey, you okay?” Eddie asks, he’s wearing a white Henley and a pair of jeans, and he’s twisting a straw wrapper in his fingers. “You look a little pale.” Buck smiles brokenly at him. They’ve been hanging out more, since the tsunami, and their relationship is stronger than it has been in a while, but Buck is about to destroy it. 

“I, uh, I need to tell you something.” Buck stammers out, he smiles up at a the waiter who takes his drink order, “You’re going to get mad, but please, let me explain first.” Eddie cocks his head to the side, Buck pulls out a sheet of ultrasound pictures. He had dug them out of the shoe box he kept on the top shelf in his closet, in the back, under a stack of extra bed linens. 

“Are you pregnant?” Eddie hisses, eyes wide, Buck nods. Eddie takes the film strip and looks at the blurry photo’s. His eyes cloud in confusion. “These are fifteen years old.” Eddie states, looking at Buck like he’s concerned for his mental health. Buck pulls out the other three sets of ultrasound pictures he has, the most recent, and last one he’s going to have, is a 3-D ultrasound and you can make out the features of the baby’s face, chubby cheeks, and pouty lips all the way. 

“When I was fourteen…” Buck tells him the story, tears slipping down his cheeks, as he finishes the tale, Buck can tell that Eddie is furious. 

“How could they do that to you?” Eddie fumes, looking down at the pictures. His fingers dance over a shot of the little girl with her foot her in her mouth. It’s from Bucks second trimester ultrasound. 

“I know I should have told you sooner,” Buck starts, his hands are shaking, and his voice is breathy with anxiety, “But I literally couldn’t every time I thought about it my throat would start to close up, and I-I-I,” Eddie puts a hand over Bucks.

“I am mad, but I understand. If you hadn’t have told me about your past, we might be having an entirely different conversation,” Eddie breaks off, then cups Bucks cheeks, “I also think we’re in a better place now to talk about this, than we were earlier.” Buck nods, feels a tear prickling down his cheek, and smiles when Eddie brushes it away.

_**Then - June** _

_The months flew by in a haze, Buck may have continued to function through the rest of the school year, but when it was over, and time for him to go back to basketball camp, he spent three days locked in his room. He didn’t cry, but he also wasn’t breathing. His parents didn’t really say anything, just stacked new toiletries into his camp suitcase, and when it became evident he wasn’t packing himself, his mom packed all of his clothes and uniforms._

_The day check in came, Buck was a zombie, he checked into his dorm, and said good-bye to his parents. He put his suitcase in the closet of the room and climbed under the provided bedsheets, he didn’t even move when Bryson came into the room full of energy and looking even better than he had the year before. Bucks spark was gone._

_**Now - Late December** _

Telling his fire family, and Maddie might actually be the hardest thing he’s ever done. Eddie had told his family, and even Christopher, but as hard as Eddie tried to get him to, Buck couldn’t tell the rest of the family. They all knew something was going on, they would be fools not to with how Buck suddenly canceled his lease and asked for help moving into Eddie’s house. He spent the last three weeks packing, and working out with Eddie what furniture they were going to keep and get rid of, Bucks couch was staying, Eddie’s was out, but Eddie had a nicer dinning room set, and so on and so forth. 

When actual moving day arrived Buck was bundle of nerves, he wasn’t allowed to do any heavy lifting, the only reason he had even asked for help moving, and knew that was going to raise some red flags. This combined with the fact that he now had the tiniest of noticeable baby bumps, was sending his heart racing. 

Thankfully if anyone noticed, no one said anything. That is, until Tia Pepa dropped a beaming Christopher off wearing a new shirt that said “BEST BIG BROTHER,” across the chest.

“Do you like it Bucky?” Chris asked, not noticing the tense atmosphere around him, Buck swallows heavily before pasting on a smile.

“I love it buddy,” He tells him gently, “Did Tia get it for you?” He’s kneeling in front of the smaller boy, cupping his cheek, and smiling at him with tears in his eye. It’s not how he would have told everyone, but it’s kinda perfect in a way.

“So um,” Buck starts clearing his throat as he stands up, “I guess that cat is out of the bag.” No one really moves at first, but then he’s thrown into a group hug.

_**Now - early January** _

She’s perfect is all Buck can think as he looks at the fresh pink little baby in his arms. It’s early in the morning, Eddie is asleep in a chair beside the bed, a smile on his face. 

“Sophia,” Buck starts smiling down at the baby, “I’m going to make sure nothing bad ever happens to you.” The baby coos, grips his index finger, and pushes her face into his chest. 


End file.
